Grief

grēf/

noun

1. 1.

   deep sorrow, esp. that caused by someone's death.

   synonyms:

   sorrow, misery, sadness, anguish, pain, distress, heartache, heartbreak, agony, torment, affliction,  suffering, woe, desolation, dejection, despair;

Grief. There are so many meanings, so many ways to describe it.
But what does grief look like?
Society talks about sadness, we express pain. And hell, we see and hear thousands of songs and movies every year about heartbreak.
But what about grief?
What does grief look like?

Grief looks different on every person.

I've been wanting to write down my experiences every time I have an emotional breakdown because of my grief. Then, I hit the bottom of that emotional roller coaster and start hiking back up to the top again and a new phase of grief starts.
It's as if i'm in a musical (to put it to an analogy my mom would be proud of) but the entire cast is just a one single person. And every time that one person breaks out into song the scene changes, the ground shifts, and the lead character switches into a role of a different musical. She is still singing, she is still the main character, the tune is a similar key but as she stumbles to catch up with the different words to the new song there is a moment where the audience is unable to sing-along and everything stops.
After a few moments she gains her bearings, learns her new role and plays the part. Each time the transition gets a little smoother but just as soon as she starts to get into character again, feeling familiar with herself, the role changes. There's no stopping the sudden jerk of change pulling her from her current reality and forcing a quick change of key.

After all the show must go on.

That is like my battle with grief.
I feel like there is no constant. I am a character, because I certainly don't feel like myself. So as I continue living as everyone else sees fit, every once and a while I start to feel as though I am getting into the swing of things. I pick up the story line and start playing the part with everyone. Then, as soon as I have the melody the scene changes... I go to reach for my phone and tell my mom about my crazy co-worker who reminds me of my mom's ridiculous uncensored humor, and I am reminded that she won't pick up. The background shifts, the song is sung in a new key, and I work on the transition. I work on the new scene, my new phase of grief.


I pick myself up, dust myself off and keep dancing. I keep singing, mom always loved singing.
I'll never forget her telling me that when she gets to heaven she is going to sing like Aretha Franklin and sing worship songs with angels to the Lord.


Grief looks different on everyone.
Everyone is in a different stage of grief.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve the loss of a mother, or someone you loved.
But I also feel there is also no easy way. No way to get around it.
It's like a deep, fast-flowing river. And at times, it can seem impossible to cross.
Have hope. With the Lord there is always hope.

Isaiah 43:2

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, Nor will the flame burn you.